This post is a bit different to my usual but I felt like it is an important one to do, for myself and for my lovely Grampy who passed away on Saturday 5th March 2016.
He had a long fight with various different things: cancer and kidney problems etc.
He knew who we were, where he was and what was going on which was great but also very painful for us knowing that he never wanted to end up in that kind of situation and now knowing he was definitely aware of it. Thankfully though, he could speak to us, he could tell us how he was feeling and we could still have conversations with him which was so important.
He defied the doctors who told him he had a few weeks to live several times but eventually, there was nothing they could do and I knew it would be the end when Mum texted me that on Saturday morning.
Being at university throughout all this was very difficult, Dad, his sisters and Nan were visiting him every day (he was in hospital and 2 different care homes throughout the time) and all I could do was text to see if he was ok and hope they were actually telling me the full extent of it.
I can’t believe how strong my Nan has been throughout all of this, well actually – I can. She is a phenomenal woman who takes everything in her stride and has remained cheerful throughout – even when she was looking after him at home. It can’t have been easy, going from wife to carer, dealing with everything and his grumpiness and frustration – but still she was cheerful, to all of us at least. They were together for over 50 years so it must have been a shock to the system when everything changed so much.
So unfortunately I was at work on Saturday when my mum rang me. They sent me home straight away and luckily I was able to come home to my family and my lovely boyfriend came with me. It’s really made me realise how important being with family is, being able to see my Mum, Dad, little sister, Nan and all the other people directly affected by this made me feel somewhat better – knowing we can cry together but also smile and comfort each other. It’s all so surreal, we’ve never lost anyone this close to us in our family before so it’s all a very new feeling. I feel almost angry, I feel angry for him because I knew he didn’t want his life to end in that way. I’m angry because he had to leave us in a hospital instead of at home, warm in bed with Nan by his side. My only comfort is that my Dad and Aunty were there and that he wasn’t suffering.
I wonder how we’re supposed to carry on and go about our normal day to day lives after this? There’s no guidebook, there’s no right or wrong. I am trying to think of all the lovely memories I have with Grampy and remember everything I possibly can – everything I took for granted, all the times I was on my phone at their house instead of talking to them, all the Sunday’s I missed seeing them because I was working – I feel guilty for, but I reckon guilt is a way of grief manifesting itself. We can always do more right? Everything could always go a little bit better, we can always put in a little bit more effort.
We’ve never been ones to express our love outright to our grandparents, but I’m happy I started doing that since I left for university, at the end of a conversation or saying goodbye I’d always add in the ‘love you’ even if it was probably a shock to them as we never normally say it, I’m so glad Grampy got to hear me say that I love him, even if it wasn’t as much as I’d like.
I have some really fond memories that I will treasure forever, I remember Grampy as a tall, dark haired man with a big belly, I remember him walking down the street with his giant coloured umbrella that could cover all of us. I remember when him and Nan used to come and babysit us and we’d play Charades. Some of my favourite times are when we used to sleep round their house and go and get in bed with them in the morning and we’d play eye spy.
I’m going to end this here with a short message: I know this is cliche, but we all take everyone we love for granted, its easy to get used to them being there, it’s easy to expect them to be there – but one day they might not be and just because you tell someone you love them every day it doesn’t doesn’t take away the power of it. Why would you want someone you care about so much to go to sleep at night without having heard it?
Look after your family in their times of need, be selfless and love eternally.
B 